"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied." - Otto von Bismarck
Recent scurrilous allegations (not actually made public) impugning my morality as a man and a member of the Royal Family, have attempted to tarnish the luster of royalty that has gleamed for many centuries from these British Isles. I have denied these theoretical allegations, and my word is my bond, as befits a prince of the blood. But implied by the very existence, however nebulous, of these disgusting slanders is the idea that the Royal Family is decadent - a clan of parasitic layabouts that serves no useful purpose in a modern democracy, except as a straw man to be exposed to the contempt and contumely of populist politicians, as they attempt to manipulate the mass of the proletariat to their own ends. In order to foil the nefarious anti-Royal plotting of these low-class rotters, I now wish to issue a more extensive and specific denial of various allegations that may or may not surface in the future. I hope the faceless cowards involved will appreciate my forbearance of the more drastic measures that my noble forebears surely would have employed to quash their impudence, such as the rack, the thumbscrew, and the headsman.
First, last month, on a certain occasion when the Prime Minister was droning on interminably about tariffs and labor policy, I did not fall asleep. I was merely resting my eyes, which you must admit can easily become fatigued when staring at his pasty face for any length of time.
Second, aside from the occasional trip to the zoological gardens, I have never seen, let alone touched, any member of the order Rodentia, including voles, gerbils and capybara. Furthermore, my ownership of sheep and goats is purely in connection with my image as the leading member of the landed gentry - nothing more than that.
Third, as regards anatomical dimensions, capabilities and peculiarities, I wish to categorically state that although I am not a candidate for exhibition in a circus nor for casting in motion pictures of questionable taste, I am nevertheless fully capable and well above average in this regard - or at least, should the concept of 'average' seem too imprecise, I am definitely far from microscopic. Britons need not have the slightest doubt regarding the virility of the Man Who Would Have Been King Had Not His Mother Lived Far Too Long.
Fourth, to lay to rest some minor rumors, I do not chew gum, and if I did I would not stick it under a church pew or a desk, and especially would not stick it to my forehead and claim it was a wart or growth of some kind. I do not have a collection of salacious carvings filched from the back rooms of the British museum. I have never had sexual relations with Posh Spice, Madonna, Elton John, or the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Finally, I wish it to be known that I have never once used a golf club for any other purpose than to whack a ball down the links, and certainly never to lift the ordure of a mastiff and surreptitiously smear it on the Queen's gown. If I hear of this filth being bruited about, I swear I shall leap from my carriage and personally throttle the rotten bastard responsible, as God is my witness. Rule Britannia!
CHARLES of WINDSOR
Copyright 2003 David Warren Rockwell