Cocksure Palindrome Fabrication, Sincere Oxymoron!

4/1/04
Do you ever get the feeling, recently, that every day is April Fool's Day in America? They've all got to be putting us on. The Jacksons, the Presidential Candidates, the owners of major league baseball teams, the network-assembly-line-manufactured pseudo-micro-celebrities, Donald Trump's hair - they're all sitting around some immense polished mahogany table in a glass room on top of Manhattan, saying to each other, what crazy prank can we think up, just to see what they'll swallow. So far, like the world's fattest carp, we've swallowed every ridiculous put-on they've thrown us. "President George W. Bush" - aw, come on, now!

Luckily we've got the Internet to foster intelligent discourse, and escape from the official pabulum that Corporate America is trying to cram down our throats. Every day I get thoughtful e-mails from real people, concerned citizens who are thinking about the future of our society. For example, Mr. Osvaldo Sears writes, "Heron lear prompt minaret conferrable, ballast formidable cocoa-puffs." - a provocative yet thoughtful challenge to the tort system. Hear, hear, Mr. Sears! I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your cauliflower intricate solipsistic feline oxymoron pole-sitter. Miss Olga Knox has this to say: "Riga flounder aberdeen immoral cocksure, loathe flight." - which is only common sense; but really, is sense so very common? I say, let us endeavor earnestly to palindrome fabrication newt coffee-mate boll. And I was struck by the peculiar cogency of Mr. Thing (that is the nom-de-plume he prefers, apparently) who writes: "Vi+a*graa cheep! Gareentood{}& Ph.D. degree $12.95 No Pencils No Books No Teachers Dirty Looks No Brain Hurting No More!" By God (or nondenominational Entity of your choice) someone should stand up and challenge the educational establishment of this country for its monumental failure, and Mr. Thing is willing to do so! I salute you, sir - but, if I may, a word of caution to check your exuberance: though you may paper your walls with magnificent Ivy League diplomas, be careful with that Mexican Viagra. For what boots it that a man has massive worldly acclaim and goods, yet cannot perform the offices of a man due to his Thing rotting off? I think Jesus would have said that if he were alive today. And I'm sure he would add, in the modern idiom, camphor elephantine pig-headed bizzarro oopsy-daisy, or words to that effect. Jesus was a pretty cool guy, you know. Too bad about that ultra-violence, as revealed to us by the visions of Mel Gobson. I mean, Gibson. Come on, Dave, now you're stooping to ridicule a man's name! Hey - that was just a typo. Maybe this entire essay is a typo - I'll never tell. And my staff of monkey typists are sworn to secrecy. Incidentally, they told me that these strings of apparent nonsense in the subject line of e-mails are simply attempts to defeat anti-spam filters, but what do they know? I prefer to believe that the Hive Brain is trying to communicate with me in a marvelous new subconscious code. Let us hope it is a Benign Brain, and not an Evil Mass of Slimy Tentacles. (No, not like Dick Cheney, wise guy.)

Recently in real-world news: NEW YORK (AP) -- An openly gay teenager received a $30,000 settlement from the city over her suspension for wearing a "Barbie is a Lesbian" T-shirt to school, her attorney announced Thursday.

Pitch for a big-budget movie: BarbieTM the Movie, shot entirely in cheesy stop-motion animation using real barbies (different outfit every scene). Story line: who really cares - Barbie marries Ken, gradually goes feminist, backdrop of sixties, seventies, etc., gets divorced, turns lesbo, starts killing johns to keep her lover, goes to prison, freed after political outcry - "Don't hate me because of my ideal figure and killer accessories." - runs for President, is assassinated by cabal headed by Ken. Tragic yet stupid. Perfect vehicle for fart jokes, etc. Voice and 'tude for Barbie played at first by Britney Spears, then switching to Courtney Love; Ken first played by Sen. John Edwards, then by Sean Penn.

You know I'm not kidding here; that's the sad part. Movies are now germinated from degenerate DNA fragments of long-dead American culture, no matter how trivial and lame; the one and only criterion is name recognition, which makes for a nauseatingly thin broth.

Copyright 2006 David Warren Rockwell